My New Years Resolution...

So it is around this time of the year that we all start discussing what we're going to give up or do more of in the coming New Year.  The usual suspects are to stop smoking, go on a diet or perhaps splurge less on clothes, make up or other such stuff.

I don't smoke, could do with losing a few pounds and for those of you who know me, know that fashion is really not my middle name. So I resolve to do what I've been resolving to do for the last four years or so and I still haven't gotten around to it yet.

It is a sore subject for me.  As someone who excelled in music and languages only to dump them for a different path in life because it would *bring me more financial stability* (then I dumped that too), I am nothing more than a simple woman who knows a bit of business administration, can cook like a fiend but all in all...I am a nobody.  I have many regrets mainly to do with how I should have prepared myself for adulthood but that is a different story.

I come from a part of the world where family and children are a mainstay of the culture and even though I had never really thought about it as a young girl, my life got to the point where I met my husband, fell in love, got married within a year and had a baby three years later.  Everything was fine bar a horrid period of sickness, SPD and a very long labour of thirty four hours.  When my Sofia came into the world, all I saw of her was a mop of black hair and her toes react to the Vitamin K injection hence my snogging of her feet now whenever she is out of the bath!!  We bonded immediately, I knew I was her mom, I knew I had to feed her, change her, hug and kiss her and all was well.

Then it came.  The fear of going out with Sofia on my own, the angry outbursts at my husband (P) and the utter terror at the thought of a long maternity leave (I had wanted to stay off for a year) with a tiny baby.

I had NO idea what to do with her.  In my mind, a mother didn't *play* with her child.  A mother cooked and cleaned and the child did what it did.  This isn't how I really thought but something was messing with my mind and I slowly became more and more scared, quiet and angry.  I would spend endless days in bed with Sofia playing around me only to get up to feed and change her and kiss and cuddle her.  I loved her, there was no doubt.  My anger was directed at the world.

I was determined to be an independent woman and so went back to work when she was seven months old.  I couldn't explain my outbursts of anger.  The tears, the not wanting to go home and just wanting to work and work.  Sofia was in a nursery close to my work but I did everything I could to get P to take her and pick her up. 

To cut a long story short and to save it for another time, it transpired I had post natal depression but had no idea about what it even was let along how to deal with it.  Endless doctors visits and deep dark moments eased off and I stopped working to stay at home after a further eleven months and even after a second child, I do have my moments but the ones I do have are very deep and very dark. 

I don't begrudge my children their happiness.  I love them more than words could ever explain.  Every single atom of my body burns with nuclear powered love for them.  But I am not a good mom. I lack patience and don't know how to play with them.  I am not good at arts and crafts and when I get wrestled to the ground I have a five minute limit then I get up to go do something else.  My babies aren't in fits of giggles with me like they are with P and this hurts.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud and happy that he is a good father however much he lacks discipline but I wish I could make them giggle like that but I'm the one who shouts too much, the one who gets angry quickly and administers threats of "you'll go upstairs without dinner" etc.

I want to be the Stepford mom!! To bake and do crafts, take them out for a babyccino sometimes. I want not to be harrassed when I go out with them and emulate the ease of how I see other moms are with theirs.  I want to be a glamorous mom and always have a smile on my face and more importantly, I don't want to take drugs to be able to do this. I want to stop feeling like a failure all the time and I want to stop crying myself to sleep.

So my New Years resolution is this.  In 2011  I will plan things.  I will meticulously plan things to make sure I don't miss the important things out.  I will get up everyday with a smile on my face and get Sofia ready for school with ease.  I will take Mikey out and show him the world and tell him stories.  When Sofia comes home, after the usual reading practice, I will play with her.  We will do crafts together and put the music on and dance together.  I will hear my babies laugh and giggle and I will feel like I am the richest woman in existence.  I will plan weekends no matter how little money we have and make sure we enjoy ourselves.

In 2011 I resolve to be a better mom.