Hormones...who needs them!?

Well, so far my plans for world domination seem to have been thwarted at every possible angle.  I mean seriously...how am I going to be Queen of the Earth and all the Universe if I cry at anything and everything which most recently was Bee Movie! (yes...Bee Movie...*rolls eyes*)

I have always been a soppy girl.  Sentimental, romantic and over emotional led to my heart breaking a number of times and too many nostalgic moments in my brain whilst staring out of the window with a cup of coffee.  You might say I have always been hormonal no matter what time of the month!

After the arrival of my babies, this seems to have increased a thousand fold. Now I don't just cry tears, I cry torrents of gushing water that can break dams and sink a million ships.  At the end of these catastrophic events, I am left with swollen red eyes that could make any frog jealous and a headache the size of America.

This possibly would seem ok if it happened and I recovered with most sanity intact.  But more and more as time went by the crying was accompanied with dark dreams, overwhelming hopelessness and furious anger directed at P mainly but at myself too.  A few months later after listening to the girls at work urge me on, I went to the doctor and came out armed with prescription anti depressants and a name for my *hormones*

Post natal depression comes along to most of us who have had babies in a number of ways.  A vast spectrum of feelings can pass through our heads and it just depends on the person on how we deal with these feelings that can either bring us out the other end unscathed (relatively) or allows us to learn to get on with it, to recognise the dark times and try to cope with or without drugs and/or family support.

Without boring the socks off everyone, I decided to cope without the drugs.  I had tried various ones from various different types of *family*.  Some made me sick, some made me not want to get up in the morning (but once I did i was ok) and some just didn't seem to help at all.  So I am here, sans drugs, and I get through the waves of emotion that hit me once in a while the way I know how to.  It isn't fool proof but for me, it's ok. It is a very personal thing.

Recently I had some bad news.  I had heard that a young woman who I knew and liked over the years but never really got to become friends with due to usual life commitments etc took her own life.  She had suffered the very dark type of PND.  The one where you couldn't get up, couldn't look at yourself, at your kids, wouldn't speak, wouldn't eat, nothing worked.  Her mother took care of the kids whilst the husband worked and after 2 long years she seemed to finally be ok and came out of it.  But I think this was because she had made her choice and her choice made her happy.  Now her sons have no mother in their lives and this saddens me deeply.  It saddens me that she felt there was no other way out.  I cried for days, not just for her but for every other man, woman or creature that suffers from depression and I guess this blog is just to say...in a round about way - if you are suffering from PND or even THINK you might be, or depression even there IS help and there is a way out but you have to want it.  Go to your doctor, midwife, people at work even if you've never talked to them before, your partner, neighbour whoever, if you ask for help you will get it.

I am not some kind of mad crusader trying to sugar coat the world but I do realise there isn't enough information about PND out there so if we push now, if we are all strong enough then we can help our daughters and their daughters and so on.

If you think you may have it or someone you know may have it have a look at the website http://www.pni.org.uk/ for more help and information about what you can do to help yourself or someone you know.

My New Years Resolution...

So it is around this time of the year that we all start discussing what we're going to give up or do more of in the coming New Year.  The usual suspects are to stop smoking, go on a diet or perhaps splurge less on clothes, make up or other such stuff.

I don't smoke, could do with losing a few pounds and for those of you who know me, know that fashion is really not my middle name. So I resolve to do what I've been resolving to do for the last four years or so and I still haven't gotten around to it yet.

It is a sore subject for me.  As someone who excelled in music and languages only to dump them for a different path in life because it would *bring me more financial stability* (then I dumped that too), I am nothing more than a simple woman who knows a bit of business administration, can cook like a fiend but all in all...I am a nobody.  I have many regrets mainly to do with how I should have prepared myself for adulthood but that is a different story.

I come from a part of the world where family and children are a mainstay of the culture and even though I had never really thought about it as a young girl, my life got to the point where I met my husband, fell in love, got married within a year and had a baby three years later.  Everything was fine bar a horrid period of sickness, SPD and a very long labour of thirty four hours.  When my Sofia came into the world, all I saw of her was a mop of black hair and her toes react to the Vitamin K injection hence my snogging of her feet now whenever she is out of the bath!!  We bonded immediately, I knew I was her mom, I knew I had to feed her, change her, hug and kiss her and all was well.

Then it came.  The fear of going out with Sofia on my own, the angry outbursts at my husband (P) and the utter terror at the thought of a long maternity leave (I had wanted to stay off for a year) with a tiny baby.

I had NO idea what to do with her.  In my mind, a mother didn't *play* with her child.  A mother cooked and cleaned and the child did what it did.  This isn't how I really thought but something was messing with my mind and I slowly became more and more scared, quiet and angry.  I would spend endless days in bed with Sofia playing around me only to get up to feed and change her and kiss and cuddle her.  I loved her, there was no doubt.  My anger was directed at the world.

I was determined to be an independent woman and so went back to work when she was seven months old.  I couldn't explain my outbursts of anger.  The tears, the not wanting to go home and just wanting to work and work.  Sofia was in a nursery close to my work but I did everything I could to get P to take her and pick her up. 

To cut a long story short and to save it for another time, it transpired I had post natal depression but had no idea about what it even was let along how to deal with it.  Endless doctors visits and deep dark moments eased off and I stopped working to stay at home after a further eleven months and even after a second child, I do have my moments but the ones I do have are very deep and very dark. 

I don't begrudge my children their happiness.  I love them more than words could ever explain.  Every single atom of my body burns with nuclear powered love for them.  But I am not a good mom. I lack patience and don't know how to play with them.  I am not good at arts and crafts and when I get wrestled to the ground I have a five minute limit then I get up to go do something else.  My babies aren't in fits of giggles with me like they are with P and this hurts.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud and happy that he is a good father however much he lacks discipline but I wish I could make them giggle like that but I'm the one who shouts too much, the one who gets angry quickly and administers threats of "you'll go upstairs without dinner" etc.

I want to be the Stepford mom!! To bake and do crafts, take them out for a babyccino sometimes. I want not to be harrassed when I go out with them and emulate the ease of how I see other moms are with theirs.  I want to be a glamorous mom and always have a smile on my face and more importantly, I don't want to take drugs to be able to do this. I want to stop feeling like a failure all the time and I want to stop crying myself to sleep.

So my New Years resolution is this.  In 2011  I will plan things.  I will meticulously plan things to make sure I don't miss the important things out.  I will get up everyday with a smile on my face and get Sofia ready for school with ease.  I will take Mikey out and show him the world and tell him stories.  When Sofia comes home, after the usual reading practice, I will play with her.  We will do crafts together and put the music on and dance together.  I will hear my babies laugh and giggle and I will feel like I am the richest woman in existence.  I will plan weekends no matter how little money we have and make sure we enjoy ourselves.

In 2011 I resolve to be a better mom.

The things you forget...

Wow, apparently I already had this blog set up on Blogger from almost three years ago!...Funny how you forget the things you've done when you've had a baby.
Not that it was my first child, but my brain cells have certainly depleted in the last 5 years so here is just a short post to say hi and introduce myself.

I am Leila, mother of Sofia (4 and half) and Michael (2). I am married to a lovely man called Peter who works his backside off for us, winds the kids up too much and has no idea about discipline but I love him.

I am a stay at home mother having quit my job in 2007 to look after Sofia and then a year later, Michael came along. I am a volunteer for Project 65 - The Veteran's Charity and have written 2 blogs for them and will carry on writing their blogs in the New Year. I am also working on my own business Sofia's Kitchen and when it is up and running, will let you all know.

I also have other plans up my sleeve, I am not cut out for domestic goddessery (no it is NOT a word but humour me here...) and so watch this space. My blueprints for world domination are on a CD somewhere....